Then again, I don’t know anyone who said differently.
If someone had told me that money would essentially “rule all,” I’d have probably begged and pleaded and sold my soul to the devil if only I could remain a kid forever. Or sell my soul for money; that works, too.
I don’t get personal on this blog very often. In fact, I think the closest that I got was my Life Update post when I talked about my reading slump, and whatever else. This post I’m going to try to dig a bit deeper and share a piece of myself, but I’m terrified.
There’s this thing called “vulnerability,” and I absolutely loathe it.
I don’t know why, honestly. It’s just always been difficult to open up to people. Not even my family, and they should be the ones who will support you the most, right?
Again, I don’t know. I love my family, truly, but we’re not very affectionate people. We laugh and joke and get together on the important holidays (Christmas), but beyond that, my family is the kind of family that go about and do our own thing and then check in with everybody via Facebook.
That’s not a bad thing, either. But now that I’ve hit 30, I can’t help but to wonder what the fuck do I do with my life, and if “taking a year off” from school was really the right decision for me in the end. I still live at home. With my mother. I try my damnedest not to be one of those adult kids who do nothing but mooch off her parent, and for awhile I was succeeding; I had a pretty decent job working at Walmart, only to get fired after almost two years of being there, and while I was told that I could re-apply after a certain amount of time, I have a funny feeling that, no matter what position I apply for, they won’t even look at my application unless it’s for a cashier position (they can never keep cashiers; new ones quit after about a week).
I was fired in early-December. It is now May, and despite having put in several applications, I haven’t had any prospects, except for one: Forever 21. Sent in an application sometime in March, I get a call back at the end of March, they leave a voicemail wanting to schedule an interview for the middle of April, and stupid me, I didn’t get the message until a couple of days ago. So, now I’m trying to remember what the phone number was because, again, stupid me, deleted the message before I could even think about writing it down.
I think I’m going to have to start putting out feelers for jobs outside of my state, and that terrifies me, too. I’ve never lived away from home before, and as much as I’d love to travel the world, or just travel around the United States, as much as I dream about packing a bag and getting a Greyhound to Anywhere-but-Here, it’s terrifying to put into motion. As much as I am seriously willing to relocate, I don’t have the funds to do so, and a lot of employers aren’t willing to foot that bill (which I get; it’s a huge risk to take on some random out-of-towner), so that leaves me stuck. Again.
It’s times like this that, if I could go back in time and redo anything, I’d go back to high school and redo all of it. Ninth grade through Twelfth grade. Unfortunately, that would also mean reliving 9/11, because I was a newborn Freshman, two weeks into my first year of high school, when that day hit, but if it meant that I could redo my entire high school career and actually apply myself in all of my classes (I don’t know why I stopped caring after 9th, I honestly don’t), it’d be worth it. Because maybe then I could’ve taken my SATs and whatever other college prep exam, and get the whole college experience.
I’m just… scared. Mostly, I’m scared that I’ll never move out on my own, scared that I won’t get a better paying job than Walmart. But at the same time, if I would just answer my damn phone when it rings…
I don’t know where I’m going with this.’
I know a lot of my job issues are largely my fault because I don’t know how to pick up a goddamn phone and say, “Hello?” Even if it’s just a wrong a number. I know that I need to get over my aversion to talking on the phone, but it’s not that easy. So… receptionist positions are out.
Starting tomorrow, if my phone ever rings, I will answer it. No matter if it’s out-of-state, out-of-town, or what. If it’s for an out-of-state job, I’ll bring relocation assistance, and when I fill out more job applications for other states, I’ll learn how to write cover letters and express an inquiry about relocation then, too.
If you made it this far… thanks. I know this is a huge stray from my usual book-related posts, but I guess I needed to talk about this somewhere, and I do better expressing myself through written words than I do verbally.
Oh, what I wouldn’t do for a sugar daddy…